Guilt and Love
by mjlover0021
Summary: It's the anniversary of Buckys death and Steve is going through a hard time. Established Tony/ Steve relationship. Fluff, romance and angst. Read at your own risk. Collab.


A/N: This is a collaboration with my best friend Pebblesinthelake. Enjoy!

Another glass and another painful memory makes its way in. He just sits there and waits for it to take effect even though he knows it's not going to happen. Years pass by and it always stays the same.

He's sitting in the lab with a bottle of Kauffman Luxury Vintage Vodka. Out of all the hard liquor Tony had Steve had to pick the most expensive. Tony always got the best kind and he always hid them in a cabinet in the lab thinking nobody knew about it.

Steve drops the cup on the floor and picks up the bottle. 'I'm tired of this. The nightmares and the painful memories I want them to go away' he thought. He takes a swig out of it feels it burn down his throat. He has had one drink to many but nothing is taking effect.

CRASH! BAM! BOOM! BREAK! "AHHHHHHH! WHY? I HATE THIS!" He screamed again and wasted another bottle of good wine. BOOM! Rubi Rey, Bacardi, Don Q, Grey Goose, Crystal Head, Palo Viejo, Knob Creek, Red Breast, etc.

He fell on the ground and sobbed. It was the anniversary of Buckys death; every year on this day he would seclude himself from everybody including his boyfriend Tony. During this time he got the worst nightmares and all the memories from the war came back. He could never forget it would always be in the back of his mind, haunting him. It would always be the same. Every night he would recall the shooting and the reaching out and being too far away for Bucky to save him and he falls to his death. Steve ended up waking up in the middle of the night screaming. That is why during this time he wouldn't sleep with Tony. Not just sex but not sleeping in the same room. He didn't want to worry Tony but Tony worried all the same.

"WHAT THE HELL? STEVE?" Tony had heard all the commotion in the lab and got worried someone was going through his stuff. He saw Steve lying down on the floor through the door and got even more worried. He ran to him and kneeled down "Steve, are you okay? Answer me, Steve." Steve kept sobbing but didn't look up at Tony. Tony held him until he stopped crying and was finally able to speak.

"Steve?" Steve looked up to Tony to see tired and worried eyes.

"Tony…"

"Steve, what's wrong?" Steve didn't answer, didn't want to. Tony knew he wasn't going to get an answer so he took this time to look around the lab and see the damage. There were papers thrown everywhere, a broken glass, and more than 10 of his favorite bottles of his poison broken on the other side of the lab. He looked down at Steve and hugged him. He was worried, 'What the hell drove Steve to this?' He couldn't stand not knowing but one look at his boyfriend and that's it. He was broken at this moment and prying to get an answer wasn't going to help.

Minutes passed but nothing was said. Steve was trapped in his head, picturing Bucky falling from the train, Dr. Erskine being shot, the plane crashing into the ice that would freeze his body for the next 70 years. Faintly, he could feel Tony's arms around him trying, almost in vain, to pull him back to the present.

"It's my fault Bucky died. If I had been able to reach just a little farther, if I had been just a little faster, maybe I could have got him before he fell."

Tony had no idea what to say. He was used to being the badass who didn't give a fuck about anything. Steve usually brought out the sensitive man in him. This was different though, how do you comfort someone when you can't relate to what is tearing them apart?

"Steve, I'm going to be honest, I don't know what to say. Please don't blame yourself for this, there was nothing you could have done."

Steve began to sob uncontrollably. He knew in his head Tony was right, but he couldn't help feeling guilty.

"I'm a supersoldier! I am supposed to be able to save and protect everyone, but I couldn't save my best friend?"

"Steve," Tony pulled him closer, "It is NOT your fault! You did everything you could, if you want to blame someone, blame Red Skull. He killed Bucky, and you tried your best… and you do save everyone Steve, you saved me. You showed me that my father was capable of love, even if not for me."

Steve looked up at Tony with wide eyes. He never realized Tony felt unloved by Howard. Tony had a smile on his face, but in his eyes Steve could see an abundance of hurt and sadness. Steve sat up and wrapped his arms around Tony.

"If Howard didn't appreciate you then he was an asshole! You are a beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing person, I love you and-"

Tony stopped Steve by aggressively pressing a kiss to his lips. Steve wrapped his arms around Tony's neck and Tony put his around Steve's waist. "I love you, too." said Tony in between kisses.

Steve looks around the lab, notices the damage he inflicted and looks back at Tony.

"Sorry about your liquor, Tony… and the rest of the lab." Steve looks down in shame.

"I don't care about that, Steve, as long as you're okay. I can get JARVIS to clean it up." Tony smiled and pecked Steve chastely on the lips.


End file.
